How Yazoo Breaks Up With Someone or Chocobo Ugly
by Chephren
Summary: Yazoo was sure he'd had a rough night, now if only he could remember it...


**How Yazoo Breaks Up With Someone or Chocobo Ugly**

A dazzling ray of sunlight found its way across the floor of the dark room, and on to the large bed. It shone into the sleeping face of one very, hungover Remnant. Irritatedly, Yazoo cracked an eye open with great difficulty, immediately placing long fingers at his temples... Gods, his body was so sore. How much did he drink last night?

His emerald eyes had fallen shut again against the offending light, but he opened them in order to take in his surroundings. Instead of he and his brothers' bedroom in their lovely, appropriated conch shell home in the Forgotten City, he could not say where he was. Around the massive bed he found himself in, he noticed various articles of clothing strewn all over the floor. Blankly, he sat up in bed, his hands coming to cradle his head as he went, as if that would ease his skull-splitting headache, (one could always try,) and tried to piece together the facts. It was the morning after drinking at Seventh Heaven with a very cold, very irritated Cloud. _Hn,_Yazoo thought to himself,_ Brother is still upset over my shooting him._ Inwardly shrugging, he continued.

He had seen everyone there, all of AVALANCHE at least, and they were rejoicing over some such thing. Tifa had invited him... she was always so kind. Yazoo really did find her interesting. He decided he would have to speak with her more later. Some time had passed since the Reunion had failed and he and Loz had lost their beloved Kadaj, and drink had been more tempting than ever before. Loz had come to the bar with Yazoo, but after indulging, he had become extremely depressed, and Yazoo found he did not blame him. Who would be there, though, to ease Loz' inner turmoil but the lovely Miss Tifa Lockhart? Loz indeed had not been immune to her charms. He had told Yazoo of how some dark goddess or other would have beaten him if not for Dual Hound, a large thing for Loz to admit. Except for their brother, Cloud, no one beat them, and with Cloud, they couldn't really say because he had escaped them. Twice, in fact. The corners of Yazoo's mouth twitched when he thought of Loz's fervor at telling him about the lady and how it would have been a mistake to kill her that day and "Thank the gods for little Marlene." _Well then, it must be love._

Aside from Tifa, there was more or less no one that Yazoo had really interacted with. However, he had noticed another quiet presence there at the bar that night, one that loomed at the edge of the festivities, but did not really partake, and one he had encountered before. Vincent Valentine. A light blush came to Yazoo's pretty cheeks at just the thought of the dark, imposing man. They shared a lot of similarities in character, as far as Yazoo could see, and apparently, they lived in the same neck of the woods... Yazoo made a mental note to look the dark beauty up, and as soon as possible.

Yazoo did remember that he had been a bit taken aback when he met the Wutain princess, Yuffie. He liked her immediately... she was adorable, energetic and crafty, with a loud voice for such a little person and reminded Yazoo a bit of Kadaj. If things had turned out differently, might they have been great friends? He didn't bother stifling the chuckle at how much of a handful they would be in each other's company, and how that would affect he and Loz... how much Loz would appreciate Yazoo's matchmaking...

His reverie was broken by a sleepy sigh, causing Yazoo to jar completely awake as well, headache mostly forgotten in that very instant. His emerald eyes snapped open and he made no sudden movements in case the owner of the room was, in fact, awake. His lean body still felt so sluggish that he hadn't noticed that it was naked, merely covered by a red bed sheet at his slender hips. Red was not his color, although beautiful, it rather signaled what he was feeling right now... panic. As well as his clear lack of his beloved leathers, Yazoo had until now failed to notice a heavy arm resting in his lap. A gun arm??

Yazoo's breath hitched at how close this heavy artillery was to his goods. _Oh Moth....Gods!!!_ He slid his hands gently around the arm and gingerly tried to pry it out of his lap and extricate himself from this situation as quickly as he could. Unfortunately, the owner of the arm felt his movements and only pulled Yazoo back to lay beside him, and for the first time this morning, Yazoo got a good look at his indeed strange bedfellow, who smiled sleepily at him.

"Go' Mornin,' Moonshine," the hefty man, Barret, told him, with great effort as these were his first words of the day, and he seemed to Yazoo to still be intoxicated.

"Funny...."Yazoo was not at all amused, and then he had to ask the burning question, "is this thing on safety?"

"O' course, dahlin'... that is, 'course, unless you thinkin' o' fuckin' an' leavin' me..."

"Um..."_Shit.... Loz?_

Yazoo blinked. Well, now that he became aware of it, his butt had felt a bit... used. After an uncomfortable silence, Barret's ruggedly handsome features softened and he roared with laughter, and Yazoo would have inched away if he could have.

"Ah'm just kiddin,' sweets," Oh, Yazoo despised this nickname, a very subtle gleam of murderous intent flashed through his lovely eyes. Barret continued, unfazed, for he clearly had not noticed. "'S'been so long since ah felt this way 'bout anyone..."

Yazoo snorted at that, "...but... we were drunk... and I think you still are..."

Barret scoffed, "Bah, that's bull, we were meant t' meet at that party... ain't you never heard o' love at first sight??" His gun arm pulled his new conquest closer, "Now, c'mon, baby, howz 'bout we go for another round? Gimme sum suga'!"

Yazoo, regrettably not having Velvet Nightmare handy, pressed his fingers into Barret's massive, muscular chest, his own slender muscles straining to keep his distance. He added, firmly, face still an expressionless mask, "Um... no, I have a headache." Which was not untrue by any means.

Wriggling effectively out of the larger man's metal grasp, Yazoo leapt from the bed, quickly locating his clothes on the floor. Distastefully eying the rumpled pile they had been left in, he began to turn his leather pants right side out in order to put them on.

"Mmm, look at _you_," Barret was all but drooling over Yazoo's proud, naked form from the bed, his voice husky from lust, sleep and too much booze. "Aww... wait! You leavin'??" Yazoo, undeterred, continued to dress quickly. "Aww! C'mon, baby, don' leave... come ova he' n' let daddy Barret make you smile!"

The click of a gun being cocked halted any further comment, and Barret's brown eyes widened as he was greeted with Velvet Nightmare's muzzle pressed insistently to the tender flesh under his jawbone, aiming up into his skull. He could not see the cold stare coming from above, but he could not mistake the cold, empty chuckle that met his ears.

"Look... Barret, was it? You are a very handsome man... and I have no doubt that, sober, we could have had a really beautiful experience together. As it is, though, I cannot remember any of it, and a night of drunken fumbling does not equal love. Especially since you are not hearing me, and your 'love' seems really only about sex, and I really couldn't care less about what you want either, so clearly love is not part of this equation...." Yazoo said calmly, fully dressed and equipped to leave, except for his beloved, long leather coat draped over the crook of his right elbow, leaving him shirtless. "So," he continued coldly, "consider this my restraining order. I realize that we will be seeing more of each other, but you _will_ maintain your distance... or..." He pressed Velvet Nightmare further into the soft flesh, "we will be playing together again, but in a style much more to _my_ liking."

With a last, quick scan to the room to assess he had not left anything, Yazoo withdrew the gun muzzle and silently disappeared. Once in the hallway outside Barret's apartment, he heard behind him, "So you like t' play hard t' get... Ah like that!!" Yazoo merely blinked again at the jaunty tone to Barret's voice, and inwardly, he rolled his eyes. He was amazed that he had not simply disposed of the man for crossing him. He knew he was slipping, but as this was not part of some divine life's mission, this man being Cloud's friend, and Yazoo not exactly being in Cloud's good books, he hesitated to just act, the way he had before, although it pained him a little.

Labored breathing met his ears as he heard running footsteps approaching in the stairwell. The door swung open just across the hallway from him. Loz to the rescue.

"Yazoo... are you okay?... I... heard you..." Loz panted, and Yazoo smiled at him, so glad he had such support in his beloved brother.

"Yes, Loz, thank you," Yazoo's eyes only stared at his brother now, trying to recount what happened in the time they had not seen each other, although words were not truly necessary between the two of them. "I don't know how it happened, I..." and he threw a glance at the apartment door behind him.

Loz studied his brother, strong jaw clenching as he noticed Yazoo's bare torso, and the apartment behind them that was not their house. He spoke suddenly, preventing his brother from having to go on. "It is alright, my Yaz," and he hugged the little one close in strong, protective arms, stroking his brother's head and long, silky strands with gloved fingers. Then, he pulled back, looking into those lovely emerald eyes, and asked, his own eyes full of hope, "Yazoo, it's been so long.... May I?"

Yazoo returned the gaze, expressionless for a moment, then his features softened into that smile again. Sharing a knowing glance with his older brother, he simply gave an affirmative "Hn." Loz' eyes lit up with that childlike glee Yazoo had not seen since before they lost Kadaj that day. Bringing his well-muscled arms up to dramatically crack his knuckles and he rolled his neck, drawing out several gratifying pops there as well, he grinned again and abruptly kicked the apartment door in and slammed it behind him.

Remaining in the hallway, waiting for his brother, Yazoo felt a sense of satisfaction hearing all the destructive brouhaha from within Barret's place. If it wasn't messy enough before after a night of drunken activity, it certainly would be now. He strapped Velvet Nightmare once again to his slim thigh and zipped his coat all the way up.

A few minutes later, the door opened again, and a very pleased Loz appeared in the narrow hallway next to his younger brother. He reached an arm around Yazoo's slender shoulders and they exited the building together.

"So," Loz asked, cheerfully, as his brother glanced up at him, "Ice cream? My treat."

"Oh goodie," Yazoo answered, completely cool and calm again, except for a good-natured gleam in his eye, "So Loz... how's Tifa?"

"Uh..." Loz snuggled his brother closer to hide the furious blush in his cheeks.

The End

A/N: This was my first solo fic for the FF7 fandom. Thank you so much to **BMIK** for the feedback! XD And to you and **calvi_sama on LJ **for encouraging me that this idea was something I should write. I had a lot of fun and am very happy with it. I know it took a couple of extreme turns from the original itsy-bitsy thought, but hopefully it still works! XD This short fic is also to all of my ladies and gentlemen who have ever woke up in a scary situation like this. Solidarity!! *massive hugs all around*


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